Win over Whitman College, 15-5.

• MCLA.us Game Report
• University of Idaho Lacrosse Press Release
• Idaho @ Whitman Photo Album

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Blog: Theory of (Bearded) Relativity

I shave my face rarely as possible. This is because I do not like to shave.

The phrase “rarely as is possible” is relative. It requires reference to any number of unsaid objects. If I meant the term literally – in the absolute – then the first sentence would have meant “I never ever shave, nor shall I ever. My beard shames Gandalf.” This is because without reference to an anchoring object, shaving “rarely as is possible” would mean never shaving because it is possible to live without shaving.

In twenty-six years, I am not sure I’ve stumbled upon much that is entirely absolute. So, what I really meant is that “I shave my face rarely as is possible to maintain a clean-shaven appearance. My job requires that I look like a lawyer, not a wizard.”

You understood this inherently. You already knew what I meant because you are actually a voting board member of the one of the objects to which the relative term made reference.

No, you are not my job. No, you don’t work at my job. You most likely don’t work in my field. But you expect an attorney to look nice, don’t you? You wouldn’t hire this guy on the right side of your screen to do lawyer things for you.

So you, and the rest of the world that agrees with you, have shaped an object to which the term is inextricably tethered.

But now you’re thinking that not all bearded men look unprofessional. Certainly you’d hire this fine gentleman pictured below.

Thus, we’ve identified another variable that necessarily weighs upon the meaning of our relative term: that my beard, were I to grow it, would not look as distinguished as J. Thaddeus Foggybottom’s here.

So then, were I to actually write out the full meaning of the first sentence of this article, it might go something more like “I shave my face rarely as is possible to appear clean-shaven because my job requires that I look like a lawyer not a wizard. While some beards look nice, I cannot yet grow a beard that doesn’t look a little ragged. This is because of genetics, my age, and the fact that young men with beards often don’t look nearly as distinguished as old men with beards.”

That would have been a waste of time. And I hate to waste time.

You see that within each statement, there are layers upon layers of unpronounced relativism. Each declaration contains reference to variables both objective (lawyers are supposed to respectable) and subjective (I personally don’t look respectable with a beard.) Attempting to dissect each sentence is like browsing Wikipedia and clicking on interesting links as you come across them within each article. Soon you’ll have forty browser windows open. Your computer may freeze and you’ll have to hurl it at your neighbor when he complains about your constant screaming. And then you’ll probably need to hire Mr. Foggybottom for the inevitable trial.

After ten paragraphs, you are likely wondering if I’m ever going to talk about lacrosse. Cue transition.

Idaho lacrosse practices often as is possible.

If you’ve been any paying attention, you’re already thinking about all the possible variables that might be at work in defining what that sentence actually means.

At Idaho, that means we practice three times each week. This is the most we can “possibly” practice given field availability, personnel characteristics, and the nearly infinite logistics and intangibles inherent to any given team in the MCLA. At another school, “as often as is possible” may mean five practices each week. It may also mean mandatory and regular team conditioning sessions outside of practice. It may also mean additional film sessions. It all depends on the relative variables.

When I shave my beard, I begin by squeezing out a blob of shaving cream onto my left hand. When I bring my hands together to lather it up, I always lose a quarter-sized dollop of Gillette Extra Comfort Shave Gel straight to the sink. It happens every. damn. time.

This morning, as I watched a green glob of shaving goo drop from my fingers to the sink, it occurred to me that maybe if I had to shave every single day, I might learn a trick to prevent this. But I only shave three times each week. And each time I do I waste a little bit of shaving cream because I forget that it’s about to happen. I forget because it doesn’t happen every day – only every two or three days (or four if I can wrap it around a weekend).

Why not just shave every day? Because if I were to shave more often, my face would soon be nothing more than a red, irritated, Mars-like surface where razor rash meets to exchange anecdotes about how badly they ruined Mike Band’s day today. And you know what? It’s simply not that important anyways. Losing a tiny bit of shaving cream three times every week isn’t so bad. But if I lost that much shaving cream seven times every week that might add up quick.

Unfortunately, it now seems to me that dudes who shave daily will always have the edge on me. They’ll always be that much more efficient at the sink, that much more smooth on the cheek. They’ll spend less money on cream per shave. They’ll have more time on their hands, more women on their arms, and grow rich with cream-savings. They’ll be celebrated by men and gods alike. Unless I shave harder during those three shaves that they do in their five (or seven for freaks who actually shave on the weekend).

Just as I can’t shave every day, the Vandals simply can’t practice five times each week. Don’t argue with me; I know our circumstances better than you. Conversely, I know for a fact that top-tier teams are practicing at least that often. If a team that practices thrice weekly hopes to have even a chance of catching up to a team that practice quintuply, then each of those three practices must be worth more. Each practice must be seized and throttled about the neck until dead. We must be as Nosferatu; every last precious drop of learning and preparation must be squeezed and sucked from our victim’s corpse.

Easy enough, right? Just try harder. If I wanted to become the best in the world at shaving, it would be entirely upon my own shoulders to do so. Success or failure would be delivered by the Postman of my own effort and dedication.

It’s not so simple with lacrosse. Lax is a team sport. If there are twenty-five men on a team and twenty-four of them show up and give 100% at practice, practice was still not all it could have been because of the single absentee. Swing the numbers in favor of the absent and the problem is exacerbated. Reduce the number who are actually there and giving 100% and . . . well you get the picture. Shaving cream down the drain.

On any team with a sufficient roster, kids who missed too much practice would likely be shown the door. However, in the MCLA not too many teams can afford to voluntarily reduce their available roster. We need bodies on the field and dues in the bank. I don’t really need to explain this because the odds are that everyone reading this article knows exactly what I’m talking about.

What could use a little more explanation, however, is why exactly anyone is missing practice. I mean we’ve all heard the excuses: homework, fraternity obligations, going out of town for the weekend, etc. And we all know it’s a bunch of malarkey (look at me watching my language!).

During my college career I missed exactly one practice and it was because as a club officer I had to attend a university club sports department budget meeting. There are 168 hours in each week. Practice might take up ten of those hours. In the remaining 158 hours I found time to get good grades, take care of team administration, work out, hit the wall, have a girlfriend, party too much, and still spend hours and hours screwing around on the internet. And I’m by no means unique; there are many others who do the same. We have figured out a way to get everything else done in the time allotted. Accordingly, we don’t know why anyone would really miss practice regularly. So, I contacted a number of former players who were chronic Houdinies to see if I could gain some insight.

I approached four recently former players from three different universities. Let’s call them Biff, Marty, Doc and George. Biff is a former teammate, so I know for a fact that he became an absolute ghost at times. The other three are from other schools. While I can’t personally attest to their attendance records, I’ve been assured by their coaches or former teammates that they were less than exemplary. I asked each man if they would answer some questions about why they missed practice so often. My thinking was that since their collegiate careers were over, perhaps they’d be willing to candidly discuss it. I was . . . wrong.

Initially, all four men agreed to answer questions but qualified their involvement by denying having often missed practice. All four initial conversations went something very much like this:

Mike Band

“Hey dude,
I’m writing an article for Collegelax.us. It’s about players who miss practice or lose interest in lacrosse. Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?”

Biff

“yeah sure. as long as its not about me missing practice because I was always good about my attendance.”

Oh.

How am I supposed to figure out why anyone is missing practice when no one will even cop to having done it? I devised a test. The idea was to measure interest in the sport as a whole and compare it to attendance habits. I used a former Boise State player I know to be dedicated as the control. We’ll call him Lorraine (I’ve run out of male names from Back to the Future. Sorry, Lorraine). My plan was to submit Lorraine and the boys to the same line of questioning to measure their interest and dedication to lacrosse as a whole. I asked the following questions:

1. How much of a priority was lacrosse in your life?
2. How closely did you follow MCLA news and scores while you played?
3. How closely do/did you follow NCAA lacrosse?
4. Do you frequent any lacrosse websites or subscribe to any magazines?

Lorraine’s answers were (in summary): 1. High; 2. Closely then and now; 3. Closely then and now; and 4. Yes, quite a bit. While Lorraine scored on the high end of lacrosse awareness and interest, my theory was that those who didn’t care to show up to practice would score on the low end. It’s not the most scientific of tests, but it’s something and I’m not getting paid.

Unfortunately, I never got to test my theory. After quickly agreeing to answer the questions in the first place, a week later Biff, Marty, Doc and George have all failed to actually answer a single question. Duh.

In retrospect, I’m not sure what I was expecting.

Nevertheless, I’m quite sure that if I asked Biff, Marty, Doc, or George pointe blank if they were “dedicated” to lacrosse, they’d answer with a resounding “yes.” I’m equally sure that if I traveled the country and posited the same question to every player on every MCLA team I’d get the same answer.

The problem, of course, is that “dedicated” is a relative term.

And further, your affiant sayeth not.

The month of February was inaugurated by the unthinkable.  Last Sunday night, club rats (and reigning champs of MCLA D1) Michigan Wolverines “upset” NCAA D1 princes of Bellarmine University 14-8 in an unofficial scrimmage.  Now if you’re just reading this, you may be reacting as I did at first: screaming non-sense obscenities, and tearing off your clothes to bathe your nude body in sausage grease before storming down the hall to tell your boss that you’ve never liked his moustache.  Certainly, the end is near.  Right?  Right!?

But worry not, ye faithful!  For the stalwart defenders of the lax aristocracy quickly swarmed the Inside Lacrosse message boards to put the so-called “victory” in perspective:

By Onlooker

“bellarmine played sloppy but michigan had its starters in the whole time and were running a ten man ride on a field that was missing 15 yards across. bellarmine didnt know how to adjust. plus bellarmine played its whole bench. michigan played to win, BU played to get ready for the season.”

[Erroneous!]

By Cliff T

“Onlooker,
Where do you get this stuff? The field is 53 1/3 yards wide like every football field. That’s 6 2/3 narrow, or 3 1/3 on each side. It makes a difference, but not that much of a difference.

“Bellarmine also runs a 10 man ride. They always do. They ran it last night.

“Michigan subbed as well. To say they didn’t is typical excuse making, but they were running guys who won’t even be playing in regular season games this year by the early third quarter. The only place they didn’t sub is at attack because they only have three healthy attack right now. (They finished the scrimmage with middies playing there, so I guess they did sub even there eventually.) Zorovich, the team MVP last year, didn’t even play.

“Stop whining.”

By fmr. NYer:

“great… just what the club lacrosse rats need… a victory over a REAL D1 team…

“God, when I was in College we smoked these Michigan jokers 13-1”

By YMCMLax:

“BU also played U of M Saturday night and beat them. No one says anything about that though. Also, U of M becoming a varsity program would be great for everyone, except for the fact that maybe one or two players would actually still be on the team.

“All I can say is every dog has his day, even club dogs.”

[Erroneous again!]

By steve m:

“[…]Michigan did NOT play BU Saturday what are you talking about? They had practice on the same field as each other in Oosterbann Fieldhouse Saturday night.”

As these wretched club sympathizers (clubber lovers) parry the daggers of NCAA righteousness, emerge two truths which the reader may hold to be self-evident: (1) A top-tier MCLA team soundly defeated bottom-tier D1 NCAA team in an unofficial scrimmage; and (2) it turns out that not everyone is entirely impressed with the MCLA.  Our friend fmr. Nyer sums up the latter position quite nicely

fmr. NYer

“The problem with this ‘victory’ is that the bottom rung MCLA teams will sing the song that club lacrosse is just as good as NCAA lacrosse. Hardly the case.

Props to Michigan for playing well and beating a D1 team. I’m happy they run their program as if it were a varsity NCAA team. ‘Cause that’s all it is, a wanna be varsity NCAA team (though they proudly carry the name – Varsity Club team).

There’s no doubt that those kids work as hard as any NCAA team out there… but like I said, this will justify the lackluster effort 80% of all the other club teams put in. It’s those 80% that give club lacrosse an awful name and frankly give the sport a bad name.

I now live in an area where college club lacrosse rules the land and it’s embarrassing…

Kids pay thousands of dollars to call themselves ‘D1 or D2’ college players…. they don’t even have to show up to practices and a lot of those I know don’t take it seriously. This game was meant to be honorable and sacred… Club lacrosse hurts the integrity of the game…

Way to go Michigan… Way to go…”

Now, before I go too much further, I’d like to make sure everyone realizes that fmr. NYer and his ilk are myopic, elitist pricks.  I was entirely prepared to write this entry on that very premise.  However, as it often does, reality came along to lend perspective.

Concurrent to the Michigan/Bellarmine dialogue, another melodrama was playing itself out on the other side of the country.  Unfortunately, this storyline may be far more relevant to the majority of MCLA programs.  On Monday, February 1, PNCLL President Dr. Jason Stockton received a letter from Washington State University informing him that WSU was withdrawing from the PNCLL. They cited “a lack of leadership, member interest and finances as their reasons for withdrawal.”  Hmm, those reasons sound pretty familiar.  But how could that happen to a program under the very same organizational umbrella as the team that just thumped mighty Bellarmine?  Easily.

Believe it or not, a decade ago, WSU was a powerhouse in the PNCLL.  However, WSU is located in a small town called Pullman, WA.  Once upon a time, there was little or no youth lacrosse to speak of for many hours in any direction from Pullman, thus other universities in the region had a similar pool from which to draw recruits.  The playing field, so to speak, was level.  But something peculiar happened as lacrosse set upon its version of Manifest Destiny.  The wagon trains somehow bypassed the closest metropolitan area, Spokane,WA.  As lacrosse blew up in Portland and Salt Lake, (and later Seattle and Boise), Spokane lagged behind.  To this day, Spokane has only a single high school team.  Meanwhile, universities located more closely to the growing hotbeds in the northwest (Oregon, U-Dub, SFU) predictably began to attract more and more of the kids interested in playing at the college level.

Concurrently, because WSU is located in a college town, coaching options remained (and do remain) slim.  Few people make Pullman their permanent residence, and even fewer who do know anything about lacrosse.  At best, a town like Pullman might hope to draw a coach for the two years it takes to obtain a Master’s.  Suffice it to say, WSU soon found itself outnumbered, outcoached, and outclassed.  The program folded for the first time prior to the 2005 season after its club president and player-coach graduated and departed.

Shortly thereafter, the program was revived by a young go-getter by the name of Nick Lyon.  Before allowing WSU to rejoin, the PNCLL forced the Cougars to play a solid schedule as a non-PNCLL team, which they did.  Nevertheless, readmission to the PNCLL for the 2008 season did not solve the team’s geography problem.  Since then, WSU has been the regional poster child for the untold number of MCLA teams that operate while teetering precariously upon the precipice of disaster.

Most MCLA programs are run by players.  University of Pittsburgh Vice Pres and MCLA blog-rockstar, Peter Tumbas (better known as 412 Lax), recently touched on this.  Explained, Tumbas:

“If you are a member of one of the top 10 or so MCLA programs you probably have no idea how the other 110 teams operate.

Long story short, for those other 110 teams, the coach isn’t the leader of the program, just the leader of the team on game days and practices.

People like myself and the three other seniors on our executive board (read: young men) run the program on a day to day basis.

We were responsible for picking out of conference games, selecting uniforms, selecting gloves and helmets. Rather, we had the opportunity to make the decisions for our program.”

While this sort of organizational structure may not be ideal, for most teams it’s a necessity.  Despite the sport’s ridiculous growth, lacrosse remains a niche market.  Accordingly, few MCLA schools pay the coach (or coaching staff) the big bucks that all this work is actually worth.  So the students have to do it.  Why would anyone take on this task for free?  Because it’s the price to play college ball.

The smart ones, such as Tumbas, come to enjoy it.  It becomes their labor of love, and they get what they put in.  The team becomes a visual and organizational reflection of its leaders.  But the men at the helm of an MCLA program need to be both intelligent and dedicated (read: obsessed).  Imagine what happens if the few students who are willing and able disappear.  The program will fall apart.  Think it’s unlikely?  Think again.  All it takes is for bad luck to brew up the perfect storm.  That’s exactly what happened in Pullman when Nick Lyon graduated, and that’s what could happen at any given time to any number of other programs operating in small markets.

The WSU debacle played out like clockwork.  In the above-linked Collegelax discussion, Nick and few other WSU players and commentators cited the failures of the post-Lyon administration.  They were particularly harsh on Lyon’s direct successor as club president, Dave Vencis.  Predictably, the man under the bus arrived to see if he could crawl out from underneath.  In the process, he proved my point rather nicely:

“I was the president that “dropped the ball on a 3-on-1 fast break” according to this moron Jason Stockton who has never even seen me play nor has ever met nor doesn’t no shit about this situation

[Author’s Note:  What a well-written and cordial fellow!]

“I transferred to WSU from Endicott College, a DIII lacrosse program and also DII school Catawba college, to study sports management at a big school out west, as I hail from boston.

[Author’s Note:  DANGER!! DANGER!! IRONY AT CRITICAL MASS!!]

“As i got acclimated to my new campus, I became involved with the student government, numerous on campus committees and was elected vice president of my fraternity […]

***

“[…]For those who are unaware, Vice president’s are supposed to take over when the president is incapable of his job, which I admit became a reality for me this semester as I took on a 25 credit course load to graduate this spring.

***

“I still stand my ground that if everyone is so sentimental and sad about this, why didn’t someone step up and take over when they knew I wasn’t able to commit.”

So to sum up Mr. Vencis’ argument:  He was well within his rights to bite off way (way way way way) more than he could ever hope to effectively chew and someone should have identified that.  Because he was the president, czar, or doorman of every organization that would return his phone call, it was clear that he would drop the ball.  Therefore, it was equally clear that someone should have identified this and staged a coup before Mr. Vencis let the whole thing fly apart at the seams.

Oh.

Amusing as that all may be from a distance, it’s actually not that funny up close.  Being that my team is a mere 8 miles to the west, it’s a more prescient concern (there goes a inexpensive game against a divisional opponent).  Proximity aside, however, it’s a constant worry to 90% of MCLA programs that someone just like Mr. Vencis could end up in your administrative positions at any time if things go wrong.  And if there’s no one around who knows what is going on to stop it, that will be that.

Nevertheless, it must be said that the administrators are never wholly to blame when something like this happens.  Why weren’t kids showing up to practice?  Where was the coach?  Why didn’t anyone else care?  I’m going to look at things like this over the course of my next few entries.  But for now, know this: these questions are issues of behavior.  Behavior is a reflection of environment.  In the case of an MCLA team, the organizational structure plays a major role in shaping that environment.

This all brings us full circle to the foregoing assertions of fmr. Nyer and his chums on the Inside Lacrosse message board.  If you’ve already forgotten it, their position is that, with a few exceptions, the MCLA is comprised of a bunch of jokers who don’t show up to practice and put in a lackluster effort.  According to fmr. Nyer, even the exceptions like Michigan are ruining the sport by association.  I hate to say it, but he does make a couple of good points.  Things are different away from the traditional lax proving grounds of NY and Baltimore. Even the Kyle Harrisons of the world have attendance problems on the west coast when there are “better” things to do. And, if you look past the MCLA’s flagship programs, even past the teams on the outer fringes of the Top 25, and focus on the teams always on the brink, you’ll quickly identify some frighteningly undedicated humans.  For these reasons, fmr. Nyer would have you believe that those of us who didn’t attend Boy’s Latin and play for an NCAA team disgrace the game by even daring to look upon it.  This is where I part ways with fmr. Nyer’s line of reasoning.

Here’s the thing.  I’ve played with, coached, and watched the jerks that do disgrace this game we love.  It’s tough, and reliance on these idiots to fill out MCLA rosters has held back many a team.  But on every one of those teams there’s a Nick Lyon.  And the number of Lyons on most MCLA teams is swelling with every season.  These are the guys that do their homework early or late because they’ll be damned before they miss practice.  These are the guys who stand in the freezing rain on crutches so they don’t miss out on anything.  These are the guys putting in hours at the gym, on the wall, or in front of a cage to get better.  These are the guys spending all of their time on the phone or on the computer to make sure they have a team to play for.  Every day.

So what I wanna know, fmr. Nyer, is just who in the hell are you to say that they don’t deserve to play?  You’re nobody.

And further, your affiant sayeth not.

Mike Band is the second year Head Coach at the University of Idaho in Moscow. Juggling law school and coaching responsibilities in Idaho is no easy task.

I’d like to (and will) begin by apologizing for my 2-week hiatus.  I spent my spring break in southern California, basking in warmth and sunshine and happiness.  I spent the subsequent week back here in Moscow, ID cutting myself and weeping quietly.

Myself and my boys returned from spring break refreshed and ready to get back to work.  If you don’t believe me, you can check the team’s Facebook statuses between March 18-24.  If you didn’t know what “lacrosse” was, you’d think my players were all pining for some lost lover.

Our enthusiasm was immediately tempered by the wintery extravaganza that we’ve experienced since midway through last week.  Apparently, the state of Idaho absolutely refuses to admit that it’s nearly April.

Additionally, spring intramural season has started and we’ve lost our evening turf access to a small army of frat boys in sleeveless shirts for whom it is evidently very important to the school to provide field access unfettered by bothersome club sports.  I’m not bitter, I’m just… bitter. 

Thus we have been forced to begin practicing at 6am, and forced to supplant enthusiasm with dedication.  It is a sterling testament to my boys’ commitment that they have been getting up at 5:30am to go run around in the snow and freezing rain and will continue to do so for the duration of the season.

This has got me thinking about all the things I’ve done or experienced in the name of this game.  Just a few of the highlights:

1. Spring 2002: Cracked sternum in first game of season thanks to a defender who thought that probably the best way to keep me from scoring was to spear me head-first (he was incorrect).  Push-ups thereafter found to be impossible for several weeks.
2. Summer 2002: Right thumb broken in half thanks to overly-zealous longpole and underly-zealous Bacharach gloves.
3. 2002-2007:  Informed at least two ex-girlfriends that if they ever were to make me choose between them and lacrosse, they wouldn’t much care for the outcome.
4. 2007:  Ran laps at practice until my right leg broke.  Then continued running laps because I couldn’t distinguish the pain in my muscles from the pain in my bones.
5. I’ve spent more time at practice, on the wall, at the gym, and shooting than I ever will in class.
6. I’ve spent more time administrating, emailing, attending meetings, on the phone, and filling out paperwork so that we could play than I ever will on homework.
7. I’ve played in 30 degree weather while it snowed and frost formed on my helmet and in 115 degree heat under the burning sun.
8. My shins are so scarred and ugly from stick checks and cleatings that they’re considering wearing masks and terrorizing opera houses.
9. I have been forced to conclude that Ultimate Frisbee players are the natural enemy of lacrosse players and now utterly despise anyone whom I suspect of participating in the wretched game.
10. I’ve completely changed my opinion on sock fashion and now believe with all my heart that quality lacrosse cannot be played on cold ankles.

I could go on and on but I think you’d rather spend time thinking of your own list, and I know you all have them.

I think that the point of all this is that lacrosse players, particularly those that care enough to dedicate their time and money to play in the MCLA for little more glory than the admiration and respect of those that care to join them, share a bond unique from that of any other sport and any other organization.

I would venture to say that you won’t find anything purer in the entire sporting world than what you find in the MCLA.  No one here is going pro.  No one here will be seen on SportsCenter.  The freshest polls in Inside Lacrosse’s MCLA section are over 3 years old.  There are no endorsement deals, no scholarships, no excused absences, and nobody rides for free.  No one is paying attention and no one is asking for attention.

From the top to bottom of this league, we’re all here because we love this game and because we’re grateful for the opportunity to play.

It’s not a rare thing for a conversation in our association to wander to the topic of whether or when a program will go NCAA. I wonder how many of the proponents of that course know exactly what that will mean for that program. If a program goes NCAA, the most likely result is that the entire coaching staff is fired and replaced and much or most of the roster is replenished with the new staff’s recruits.

I’m not saying that the proliferation of NCAA lacrosse across the nation wouldn’t be a good thing on many levels, but I wonder if most of you reading this article (and myself as well) wouldn’t be on the outside looking in were it to happen.

There’s nothing like the MCLA.  It gives thousands of us across this nation (and one town in Canada) the opportunity to play the sport we love at the collegiate level and feel proud of it.

And that’s why we’re better than Ultimate Frisbee.

Mike Band is the first year Head Coach at the University of Idaho in Moscow. Juggling law school and coaching responsibilities in Idaho is no easy task.

Weekend Results

Saturday night: L to my girlfriend’s dog, Benny, in a game of keep-away, 0-1.
Sunday night: W over a 6 pack of beer, 6-0.
(Oh, and Vandal Lacrosse undefeated for the weekend at 0-0.)

Going Overboard

As I mentioned last week, the intrepid myrmidons of Vandal Lacrosse have set upon a 6-week trek through what we’ll call the Forest of Dormancy.  This is a fetid place, and its very soil sinks deeper into its abscess in recoil of each footstep that dares to work upon it.  The ribs of stagnation itself jut there, glazed and dripping with a sort of tepid molasses that gives dark dreams and engulfs those that seek to pass.  Woe!  Woe be to those who stumble unfortuitously into the damned glen where the rank laze-fruit grows from its sinew, tempting the weak of heart with its tempting temptations; here motivation and morale is sundered and lost to the wretched, idle mists!  These unthinkable fates, though, are for the weak and stupid and I know in my heart of hearts that we shall emerge dauntless from these treacherous woods.  And then we shall stand upon the Thundered Cliffs of Determination, cleansed by the righteous light of sun and mirth to finally behold and sail upon the Sea of Competition on April 18 in Boise against the upstart College of Idaho before engaging in epic battle the next morrow with our in-state nemesis, Boise State.  Hark!  For whomsoever emerges victorious from this weekend melee shall claim glorious dominion over Idaho collegiate lacrosse for yet another season.

… I’m not sure what just happened to my blog.  Somehow it degenerated into some bizarre overly verbose fantasy-novel section.

Getting back to the point, this break has its pros and cons.  Pro: the boys could use some rest, particularly the very splinty shins of a select few of them and I can afford to give them that rest without cutting too far into our preparation for our season’s final push.  Con: motivation can be difficult to maintain when you don’t have a game for a month and a half.  Pro: with March came a drop in temperature and a jump in snowfall on the Palouse; usable practice space has become a bit theoretical lately.  Con: coming off of a couple of wins, we’re all itchin’ to play some ball.  Pro: I got to type this list of pros and cons.  Con:  you had to read it.

Most pertinent to you, dear reader, is the fact I don’t really have anything particularly pressing or relevant to write about.  If you’re still reading then you have already suffered greatly at the hand of this truth.

My job here is to distract you from that fact, to hypnotize and dazzle your literary senses to prevent you from seeing the forest for the trees: that I am very intricately writing about nothing.  My job with the team right now isn’t entirely dissimilar.  The fact is that our next set of games is, at the moment, too far away to focus clearly upon.  Thus, rather than practicing for April 18, we’re practicing now to get ready for the practices that will immediately precede April 18.  This seems strange, and it is.  But while one should always keep his eye on the prize, one gets to that prize one step at a time.  When a team becomes overly aware of how many individual steps are necessary to undertake the journey, things can start to go awry.
Now someone is already thinking that this revelation reeks of the absence of discipline or dedication.  I recognize the argument, but I decline to acquiesce to the notion.  We are not a team of samurai, we are a team of club lacrosse players.  You try taking what amounts to a 45 day break in your season and tell me that it doesn’t necessitate a change of pace and evolving focus.

Mike Band is the first year Head Coach at the University of Idaho in Moscow. Juggling law school and coaching responsibilities in Idaho is no easy task.

Weekend Results
Friday: W, 8-5 over Gonzaga University
Saturday: W, 16-5 over Washington State University

Over the weekend we managed to notch a couple of “must-win” wins and bring ourselves back up to .500 with a record of 3-3.  The win over GU was our first in the regular season (we took a couple from them during fall ball, but we all know how little fall ball means).  After a heartbreaking last-second loss two years ago and a disappointing showing last year in Spokane, finally taking one from the Bulldogs was nice.  In particular I need to take a minute to give it up for my defense (lovingly dubbed, the Legion of Doom), who made a stand-out showing which included an awe-inspiring 3rd quarter marathon stand.  And they were good enough to take a moment to stop and look totally hard for the following picture:

As for the WSU game: I’m going to take a line or two and point out that there’s no quit in the Cougars and that I’ll be rooting for them for the rest of the season.  Classy guys.

We now enter into a 6-week break; our next game is on April 18.  While this is a pretty brutal stretch of dormancy, it gives me a chance to get the guys some rest and let them heal up before we start the final push.  To that end, I’ve restricted our practice schedule through spring break so as to prevent mental or physical burnout.

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Musings

• I’d say that in this league, where most all of us are playing on football fields or fields not designed for lacrosse, asking for the field penalty to begin the game with possession is a busch league move.  I’m just sayin…
• I’d say that if you are the home team and there’s snow on the field when you arrive, clearing off only your half for warm-ups and leaving the visitor’s side all snowy is a busch league move.  I’m just sayin…
• Is anyone keeping any statistics regarding the number of penalties called on players wearing black vs. those wearing white?  I’m convinced there’s some sort of institutional jerseyism going on here.  Call the ACLU.
• I think that two individuals by the initials of CP and MP who may or may not be (and in fact are) brothers are conspicuously absent from the 2010 Team USA tryouts list.  Weak.
• Has anyone seen the save percentage for Cal’s keeper, Forrest Cheney!?  Jesus, that’s not even fair. [Edit:  I note that since this was published, Cheney's save percentage has dropped significantly and thus negated this point.]

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Plugs (I hawla at my boyz)

• A double order of lax with a side of life… I stumbled upon a blog previously unknown to me, kept by one of my players.  The keen observations of Idaho midfielder Krieg Shaw can be found at: http://vandalax12.wordpress.com/
• LacrosseAllStars.com… I hereby reciprocate a shout-out given to me by www.lacrosseallstars.com, which is run by a group of former MCLA players.  This site is pretty cool.
• AthleonSport.com… http://www.athleonsport.com is a site that should be implemented and used by every team in this league.  It is an amazing tool for team organization and communication.

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One last thing…
A note about last week’s blog:  It has come to my attention that a few [easily offended people] found my last blog offensive and [voiced their concerns] about it.  The sentence in controversy was the opening line, a quote from the popular Chappelle’s Show.  It read, “Mike Band nearly had to choke [someone who is easily offended and voices their concerns about it] on Saturday.”  I am so sorry for using such a notorious and obviously-satirical pop culture reference.

…

No, I’m not.  Ha.

Mike Band is the first year Head Coach at the University of Idaho in Moscow. Juggling law school and coaching responsibilities in Idaho is no easy task.

Mike Band nearly had to choke somebody on Saturday.  Over the weekend we got stomped by the University of Washington.  It was worse than Indiana Jones 4.  Now I’m not going to blow smoke up your collective asses: UW is legit this year and right now they are better than we are.  But by the same pragmatic token, know this: we aren’t as bad as we played on Saturday and the score should have been much closer.  In fact, I haven’t seen a Vandal Lacrosse team play that miserably in some years.  Star players were dropping the ball mid-cradle as they ran down the field with nobody on them.  Everyone on the team simultaneously had the worst games of their lives.  It was the damnedest thing. For a fairly good explanation of why, I’ll refer you to the following clip:

Thanks, Neo, that was deep.

Now the last time we played that bad, one of our assistant coaches at the time read us the riot act in the locker room afterwards.  It was a pretty brutal undressing.  I know a kid who never played again.  While that coach has since become a good friend of mine, in the wake of that scolding I thought less than highly of him.  On Saturday afternoon I finally understood what drove him to his tirade.  What I have, that he did not, is the benefit of a perspective informed by his mistake.  What I have learned, and this may be quite specific to the players and teams that I have been involved with, is that nobody plays better lacrosse because they feel bad about having blown it.  Launching into some absurd verbal slaughter of my team would have served only to make myself feel better and only briefly, before the additional embarrassment that comes with acting like a fool kicked in.

There’s one more very important thing that kept me from flipping my lid: if my whole team blew it, then that means very much that I must have blown it.  Sometimes that is a hard pill to swallow for someone who wasn’t actually on the field making the mistakes that everyone saw.  It’s an even harder pill to swallow because more than any single person, the team’s performance reflects on me.  But they practiced under my regime and listened to my words and bought into my mindset.  So I blew it as much or more than anybody, and flying off the handle at my boys would have made me a huge [jerk].  I found it a lot more productive to have a beer, make some phone calls for advice, and start working on Monday’s practice plan.

For Bonus Points: Can you find all the synonyms for the act of getting angry at my team?

Mike Band is the first year Head Coach at the University of Idaho in Moscow. Juggling law school and coaching responsibilities in Idaho is no easy task.

Weekend Review
Loss to Simon Fraser, 5-15
Over the weekend, we played Simon Fraser (the “vicious right-handed beasts they’re calling a lacrosse team” that I referenced last week).  My description was apt and we lost by 10 points.  Sadly, due to some scholastic responsibilities I was unable to travel with the team and I arranged for fellow Vandal Lacrosse founding father and alumnus, Brian Johnson, to stand in the coach’s box and shout at people for me.  I believe that my presence could have mitigated the damage and made the game a goal or three closer.

Coaches periodically missing games is an unfortunate reality in this league, as very few of us get paid and I have yet to hear of any coach whose doesn’t have a full time job or course load on top of his coaching duties.  That said, I’ve promised the team that I won’t be missing another game this year and that’s a promise I’ll be keeping.

The Dogs of War or Wound-Licking for Dummies
The SFU score was to be expected.  Our 8-mile-away neighbor Washington State (WSU) also drove up to the frozen wastes of Canadia to get their yearly dose of the Clan (there’s got to be a better name for a team that plays the majority of their games within our borders, eh?).  WSU fared slightly worse than us and lost 28-2.  This sounds familiar, as a couple of years ago SFU destroyed us 29-2.  Obviously, WSU is less than pleased and has voiced as much.

It does seem sort of like poor sportsmanship doesn’t it?  Especially when you’re on the business end of it.  Having been in this league for several years now and having experienced such throttling first hand and having doled out a couple of similar but less impressive beatings of my own, I have determined that it is not, in fact, bad sportsmanship.  It is the very essence of sport.  I have some reasons for my conclusions:

1.    Getting your ass handed to you is a rite of passage.  For all intents and purposes WSU is a new team.  Idaho is just beginning to emerge from its own genesis, during which obviously we got the same sort of treatment.  A couple of weeks ago, we handed PNCLL-infant PSU an 18-5 loss that will probably look like a weak showing compared to what they’ll get from the likes of OU and SFU.  Devastating losses like this really test the mettle and character of your team.  A team that perseveres and finds that they have 10 men at practice the next week belongs in our ranks and you can be sure that they are here to stay.  I am positive that both PSU and WSU are such teams.
2.    As far as I am concerned, charity is an insult. I personally have never wanted to be babied or given any sort of handicap.  I joined this league and I play[ed] lacrosse to give it my best and I expect the same from my competition, even if their best makes me look like a lemur dry-humping a mossy rock.
3.    Teams like SFU have considerations beyond the feelings of their competitors. If they call off the dogs on Idaho and choose to beat us 10-5 to be nice and some other team just as good decides to go ahead and beat us 15-5, then SFU doesn’t look as good and ramifications include being less likely to receive an at-large bid, having fewer recruits next year, possibly receiving less sponsorship funding, etc.  It simply isn’t worth the risk.

Now I’m not saying a team shouldn’t be mad if they get bent over a pickle barrel.  They should be mad as hell.

But they shouldn’t take it personally.  Because it ain’t personal. It’s sport.

Mike Band is the first year Head Coach at the University of Idaho in Moscow. Juggling law school and coaching responsibilities in Idaho is no easy task.

PSU Prologue – Saturday @ 10:26am, opening faceoff in 214 minutes.

This pregame period is rough, and I just sent texts to both my girlfriend (for sympathy) and Coach Hanavan (for empathy) saying as much. Evidently my brain failed to send the message to my body that I don’t get to play anymore. Maybe brain just didn’t have the heart to break the news. As a result, I have this familiar energy that I’m now unsure what to do with.

When I played, I would have tossed my gear into my bag and headed to the field an hour before the rest of the team to tool around on the field by myself with my headphones in. I’m not sure there’s an analogous form of catharsis for coaches. Am I supposed to go to the field and start sauntering around on the sidelines by myself, shouting at ghosts? I’m not looking to get committed here.

Ryan [Hanavan] told me to channel all this energy into my players. Good advice, I reckon.

PSU Post-Game Thoughts: Wins and Losses

Result: Win, 18-5

We managed to win the opener against a spirited PSU squad. After some unexpected but minor gamesmanship between PSU’s coach and myself during warm-ups, we let our boys go out onto the field and sort it out.

I have a couple of players who played in Portland’s summer league last year and had warned me that PSU had a couple of real ballers. That was true, but the ones that showed up weren’t the ones that my guys had played with – evidently those two opted not to play or didn’t end up enrolling. I’m sure that is very frustrating for PSU but it is something that every team in this league has to do with. I can tell you that at one point a couple of years ago I had a list of 40-something guys on campus who had played lacrosse in high school or even in previous years for us but didn’t want to play for us currently. This was particularly heartbreaking as we were trying to eek our way through the season with a roster of 15. Yesterday I sent a follow up email to a potential player who emailed me last summer very excited to join the team but never followed through. This was his response:

“When I was packing up my car for school my gear didn’t fit, since I didn’t have any gear academics became my first priority. Now I’m just not as interested in playing anymore.”

I’ll never understand how a man can simply “turn off” lacrosse and emails like this make me want to toss my computer down a stairway. No matter which way you slice it, lacrosse players are some of the flakiest people on this earth and the mere act of getting 20 of them to the same field at the same time can be a great jihad (struggle). Big ups to PSU and everyone else in this league for persevering.

A bear of a problem – Sunday @ 10: 15am, opening faceoff in 105 minutes.

Very shortly here I’m going to head out to play this weekend’s second game against Montana. Having opened the season with a W, some of the pressure has been alleviated. Opening the season 0-2 and heading up to Canada to face the pack of vicious right-handed beasts they’re calling a lacrosse team in Burnaby would have been less than ideal.

In the previous game we were the favorite, and thus the pressure was to live up to expectations. In this game we are the decided underdog and the pressure now is to beat those expectations. It’s sort of like walking through a storm and having the winds shift on you: the force may be coming from another direction but in the end it’s still trying to knock you down.

Montana Post-Game Thoughts: Losses and Wins

Result: Loss, 10-14

Losing sucks. It sucks worse when you could have won had you played up to your potential. It sucks the worst when you could have won even when you weren’t expected to. I showed up to the field Sunday and the first thing I saw was one of my starting defenders vomiting in the bushes and sitting down to shiver despite being wrapped in about 4 layers of clothing. Suffice it to say, he had the flu (and still does). Bad luck. What separates the wheat from the chaff in sports and maybe life is the ability to overcome and this time we didn’t.

You don’t learn much from winning, typically. Or at least you learn a lot more from losing, especially to a team as skilled and disciplined as the Griz. While the outcome wasn’t ideal, this loss allowed us to identify several cracks in the hull and we are already taking the steps to fix the leaks. There’s an upside to everything.

Mike Band is the first year Head Coach at the University of Idaho in Moscow. Juggling law school and coaching responsibilities in Idaho is no easy task.

By Mike Band

FIRSTLY

When one is presented with an opportunity to be heard, it is easy for one to jump at it. The notion is attractive. As soon as one is actually expected to say something worthwhile, however, the whole thing suddenly seems like a trap. Roughly, the saying goes, “it is better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.” Luckily, if what you have to say isn’t worth anyone’s time, then people will stop paying attention soon and forget about you. I suppose what I’m getting at is that this whole blogging business presents an interesting risk in that very soon (and perhaps already) you will decide if I am an idiot or not and if you do then I will be wasting both my time and credibility. That’s alright, though, as my time is worth very little and I don’t have much credibility to begin with.

My name is Mike Band. You had probably already figured that out. I’m the new head coach of the University of Idaho Men’s Lacrosse Club. That isn’t to say that I am new to the program. I founded the club. I used up all of my eligibility playing for the club. I have been the president, the vice-president, the webmaster, and a captain. And now, having worn all of those hats, I have assumed the rather dubious title of head coach. You’d think that I really enjoy this, however I’m not sure that “enjoy” is precisely the right term but I’ll come back to that at a later time. The fact may be obvious, but it bears mentioning that all this gives me a rather unique perspective, or at least one that is somewhat rare. What I have yet to determine is whether or not the ability to understand the challenges of participating in lacrosse at the “virtual varsity” level from the perspective of nearly every interested role within a program is helpful or harmful as it pertains to my ability to coach. That, I think, will be the first focus of this blog and it is a revelation that will take some time to come to.

In addition to being the head coach, I am also a full time law student working through my second year (out of three) of law school. Law school is an entirely different animal than undergrad. To the point: it is far more difficult both conceptually and in terms of workload. Last year, in my first year of law school, I used my my final year of MCLA eligibility. This year I’m coaching.

As you might imagine, this leaves me with even less sympathy than I already had for players who claim that they have “no time” to play or miss practice because of homework. If I can arrange my schedule to make this work, I figure so can they. This argument, as you also might suppose, holds little sway with a bunch of 19 year-olds who are sometimes just as (or perhaps much more) concerned with how and where they’re going to get loaded Friday night than whether or not they make it to practice on Wednesday. This law school/lacrosse coach paradigm will be the second focus of this blog.

Finally, despite how some of my younger players may feel, I am not that old. In fact, I am only 24. I played with most of these guys as recently as last year. Commanding respect and compliance with young men who are your former teammates and current friends (one of our senior captains is actually my younger brother), simply because for a few hours a week you like to be called “coach” can present its difficulties. In our association I would hesitate to call this challenge a rare one, but it is one that I face.

OPENING WEEK

We open up our season this weekend by hosting Portland State University on Saturday and the University of Montana on Sunday. These are interesting games with which to kick off a season and they are even more interesting games with which to kick off a coaching career.

What makes these games somewhat more-than-ordinary is that PSU is a new addition to the PNCLL and Montana is coached by my friend and immediate predecessor as head coach at Idaho, Ryan P. Hanavan (the “P” stands for “good work!”). I’m not going to go into too much depth about the implications of these facts, but I’ll just say we’re the underdog in one game and the favorite in another and neither of those labels mean a thing to me.

WORTH NOTING

It may be of some interest to you that I am this first entry sitting in my Criminal Procedure class, and began doing so after first responding to an email from an official that will be working this weekend’s openers against Portland State and Montana and communicating to the club president regarding the roster verification process over instant messenger.  As personally or professionally foolish as this prioritization may be, it is the workable balance that I have struck. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to play some catch-up and figure out what the professor is going on about. I’ll pose the class’s current conundrum to you: Is “particularity” a relative or absolute term? I sure have no idea.

Mike Band is the first year Head Coach at the University of Idaho in Moscow.  Juggling law school and coaching responsibilities in Idaho is no easy task.